Here are some foolproof ways to tell if your wife is making dirty movies behind your back:

-- Every couple of weeks she has to fly to California to care for a "sick aunt."

-- When in bed, she just lies there until you yell "Action!"

-- Just as you're about to make love, she asks, "What's my motivation?"

-- She keeps getting mail addressed to "Patty O'Plenty."

-- Whenever you go out, drooling men ask her for her autograph.

-- She looks suspiciously like the Hustler pin-up in your neighbor's garage.

-- She knows sexual positions that would put a circus contortionist in the hospital.

-- She wears a micro miniskirt and six-inch spike heels to go grocery shopping.

-- On your joint tax return she lists her occupation as "passion princess."