From BBspot : Reasons Why You Just Saw Porn on My Computer Screen 11. Wanted to get some names for people we should pray for this week. 10. You weren't supposed to be back from lunch until 1. 9. I'm studying to be an Ob-Gyn. 8. Making a list of sites to block the kids from going to. 7. Doing research for the " Tom Cruise or Gay Porn " quiz. 6. I wanted to make sure I was doing that right. 5. Just making sure our daughter hadn't fallen in with the wrong people. 4. I had to v...
From the Weekly World News : Here are some foolproof ways to tell if your wife is making dirty movies behind your back: -- Every couple of weeks she has to fly to California to care for a "sick aunt." -- When in bed, she just lies there until you yell "Action!" -- Just as you're about to make love, she asks, "What's my motivation?" -- She keeps getting mail addressed to "Patty O'Plenty." -- Whenever you go out, drooling men ask her for her autograph. -- She looks suspicious...
As I've mentioned several times, I'm not Dubya Bush's biggest supporter. Most years, I make a point of being as politically lazy as possible. Don't get me wrong: i follow politics closely, and I care about what happens; just please don't bother me with all those "requires effort" activities. Any activity that requires effort isn't worth doing. When I do get involved with politics, I like it to be as unconstructive as possible. I rallied against Gulf Wars I and II, against the IMF (and ...
For those of us interested in the End Times and politics, British Prime Minister Tony Blair is a mountain in our mental landscape. With his debonair faux-Eton accent, slightly too bright look, and prominenence in international politics, he seems a good candidate as someone indwelt with the Father of Lies. In addition, there was the irony that he appears to the world as a lackey of George Bush; but to those of us in the know, the more likely truth is that Blair is pulling Bush's strings. ...
Parents give me strange looks at the science museum. I can tell they're looking at me. Who is that guy? I don't see any kids with him. Does he want to molest my son? The problem is, I love science museums. I'm fucking insane about the Exploratorium , in San Francisco. They have this incredible holographic screw: you reach out to touch it, and your fingers pass right through. I know, doesn't sound like much, but it is. But you know the parents are thinking: Why's he near my son, next...
I hate slow walkers. Slow walkers are those people who slowly drift along the sidewalk, hallway, or pedestrian tunnel, sometimes listing to the left or to the right, blocking you as you try to get to an appointment, or to work on time. You try to scoot around the slow walker, but they're unaware of their surroundings, never move to let you past, and worst yet, just as you dart to that opening on the slow walker's left, the slow walker meanders into your path. Foiled again! By the nat...
Anyway, as I was saying, my wife Jennifer, her friend Jeff, and I were zipping across Manhattan to get to the Westside. Our taxi driver was zipping with us, naturally. The start of the ride was a little difficult. With three backseat drivers (well, I was actually in the passenger seat), Cabbie was getting a little frustrated with our contradictory instructions. Cabbie, being a cabbie, thought he knew the best way to cross the city. We all helpfully suggested three other ways of crossing, e...
For many of us, the bathroom is a refuge from the dangers of everyday life. For this woman, it was much more. From Yahoo News : "With a monster tornado bearing down on her last weekend, Diane Neises sought refuge in the bathroom of her manufactured home and locked her arms around the toilet." Really, that's pretty amazing, but I can empathize with her. When at home, the bathroom is a haven from unpaid bills, chores, my wife looking for me to do chores, and Sunday NPR: which my wife ...
Sometimes you tell a story, and you forget the most important If you look at my earlier post, you'll see I talk about a strange commercial for the Six Flags Amusement Parks, that plays the circa 2000 Vengaboys' hit (well, at least in Southeast Asian discotechs): "We Like to Party". For me, the importance of that song is the it keeps repeating that "the Venga Bus is coming", which I see as an escape from the sometimes overwhelming New York City, to the dance center of this arm of the Milky ...
Man oh man, I sure love coffee. Nothing beats a good coffee high. To understand it, picture yourself in the mirror. Now imagine that there's a starry background behind your head. Now imagine yourself fading in and out, mystical like. Finally, imagine yourself saying "The Coffee extends life. The Coffee expands consciousness". Actually, that's the beginning of "Dune", which is an intensely crappy movie, and that's coming from the guy who liked "10.5", last weekend's earthquake movie. But th...
"The Venga Bus is coming..." Six Flags Amusement is running a curious commercial on New York television. A bus pulls up to the curb, and out jumps this hyper old guy, except it's obvious he's wearing one of those fake bald-skin caps. Like a swimming cap, but flesh colored. This techno dance tune beings playing, and the guy just starts jumping around like crazy. Kind of dancing, kind of having a seizure. He's obviously freaking out the people around him, but for reasons only obvious to S...
Jennifer (the wife) and I went out to walk the street fairs, today. When the weather is good, New York is rampant with street fairs, every weekend day. Of course, all the street fairs have the same kinds of junk. Crystal cubes with silvery air bubble buildings, airbrushes of the World Trade Center, and the pickle place. The pickle place has great pickles, three for two bucks. Walking back, we passed a chinese food place with a big yellow cat statue on the counter, right paw raised in sa...
After much looking, I've found my next job: "Psychotherapy center seeks an attractive woman to do sex/surrogate therapy work.The technique consists of a combination of massage, sensual healing and energy work, incorporating the Masters and Johnson method. Training is provided and the work is therapeutic, legal and legitimate. Compensation: $50.00/hour" I'm not a woman, and jury's still out on how attractive I am (*very* attractive, after a few drinks). Actually, as long as I'm on a t...
Man, it's a hard knock life. I sometimes listen to songs on endless repeat. I think Jennifer sometimes wants to kill me, hearing the same notes and lyrics, time after time after time. It's my way to get back at her for playing Sunday public radio. NPR is like slow torture on Sundays. And I hate the fucking musical interludes. Anyway, the problem is that after listening to a song a lot, you start to think it's deeper than it is, and you want to use it's lines for situtations in your l...
For the record, and I don't even know whose record that would be, I'm Jewish, but about as unreligious as you can get. When Jennifer and I got pre-marriage counseling, I was honest with the rabbi and told him that I wasn't familiar with religious practice. Naturally, he started talking about how I could lead our (future, not yet!) children in personal prayer. Man, the only thing I'm going to teach my children to worship is a golden statue of myself. Adam