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But Please Don't Purge Inflammatory Bloggers
Published on June 10, 2004 By blogic In Humor
I hate slow walkers.

Slow walkers are those people who slowly drift along the sidewalk, hallway, or pedestrian tunnel, sometimes listing to the left or to the right, blocking you as you try to get to an appointment, or to work on time.

You try to scoot around the slow walker, but they're unaware of their surroundings, never move to let you past, and worst yet, just as you dart to that opening on the slow walker's left, the slow walker meanders into your path. Foiled again!

By the nature of things, slow walkers are often not the thinnest of people, which just makes it more challenging to escape past them. The open margins at their sides are thin, offering little chance of escape from being trapped behind their dirgelike pace.

A related species is the door talker. Door talkers stand around with their coworkers in the middle of the door way or other passageway constriction, hindering all traffic that tries to get through. The thought process of the door talker seems to be: "Where is the place I'm most likely to block traffic... I'm so there!" Door talkers love to hang out in front of revolving doorways, and at the ends of elevators. They make no effort to move as you awkwardly squeeze yourself around the door talker clump, trying to get to your train on time.

The only way to get their attention is to walk between the door talkers. At that point, their heads swivel to follow you, eyes squinted in menace, faces venting hostility that you were so rude as to interrupt their conversation.

Comments
on Jun 10, 2004
Fortunately I do not suffer any of these problems as my minders will crush anyone that gets in my path.
on Jun 10, 2004
Fortunately, I do not suffer any of these problems as I will crush anyone that gets in my path.

-- B
on Jun 10, 2004
I LOVE YOU!

Seriously, will you marry me? These are the two things that can turn my normally cool exterior into a raging force field. LEARN TO WALK STRAIGHT! I have no problem with someone's speed - as long as they make sure that people can get past. It's like women with prams who walk along like some form of human barricade. You're heading towards them and they kind of look at you wondering how you will get past, but never trying to move as THEY are pushing a baby and are obviously far more important. I nanny for a baby, I push strollers, I get my arse out of the way. I can wander about as long as I want but other people can't. And you're right, when you're running for that train and miss it, all you can think of is the many ways you would like to torture the people who hindered your normally speedy journey.
When I am not a glorified baby sitter, I like to get around in an efficient manner. Why take 20 minutes to walk what could take 10? I will accept your decision if you want to take that long, but GET OUT OF MY WAY! The other thing that shits me is when you do dart around people occassionally you'll get a comment like 'Why the rush?'. Why the rush? BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOUR ARSE MEANDER OVER THE PAVEMENT FOR THE LAST MILE AND I AM NOW LATE.

Thank you for giving voice to the speedier people amongst us. Phew! I'm actually all riled up now just thinking about it!
on Jun 10, 2004
Reply to Sir Peter Maxwell and Mr_Frog:

Funny. Wierd and somewhat frightening. But funny.
on Jun 10, 2004
Reply To: Floozie

My wife says I'm available, for the right price.

Well, parents are a related, and perhaps more serious issue. They're absolutely convinced everything should come after the welfare of their children. Parents will completely block a sidewalk, a busy aisle at the supermarket, and will give you hostile looks if say "excuse me" to get around them.

Also, some parents will let their kids go off and cause all kinds of trouble for you, and if you say anything, they stare knives at you.
on Jun 11, 2004
I run into these sloths all the time. I have a naturally deep voice so nomrally a simple"excuse me" gets people's attention as my voice carries quite well. If the first "excuse me" doesn't work, a second, more forcefull one with an associated even deeper drop in pitch will do it.

If they still impede my path, I am not above simply knocking them out of my way with my body with an angry glare straight into their eyes as I pass. This usually wakes them up a bit.

A lot of people seem to go through theirs lives totally oblivious to what's going on around them. I really wonder how they make it through the day without being run over by a bus or beaten to death.